RELEGATION ZONE BY MID-APRIL.

I can't think of an occasion when I've managed to cover music and football in one post before. And by managed, I mean needed. And by needed, I mean been foolhardy enough to risk it.

There's a good reason for this, and I can boil it down to a simple equation.

Though it has been attributed to many others, including Elvis Costello and Sammy, the bass player out of Onionhead, I think it was Frank Zappa who originally said "writing about music is like dancing to architecture". Always one for thinking on it's drawing board, Architecture shot back, quick as a flash, "though you'd somehow feel more foolish boogieing to Frank Zappa".

Zappa may be arse-achingly dull, indulgent and, most significantly, dead - but for once, he had a point. Another, less flouncy law is that you never let football within a throw-ins reach of getting musical. Ever.

If we multiply what we shall call The Law of Dancing To Architecture by what we shall call The Law of Hoddle and Waddle's Diamond Lights, we ought to see...

That I should never, under any conceivable circumstances, not even when there's a war on and there's a shortage of musical news stories, be required to write anything that combines the two.

Alas.

Ram FM are proudly promoting a new song by 11th Hour, though technically that ought to be '11th Hour Featuring Billy Davies'. The song, apparently is "designed to help the Ram's promotion push", which all told must involve some fearsome backwards masking and subliminal messages. On the upside "all profits from the download and sale of the song will go to the 10 charities designated by Derby County for the 2006-07 season". Let's hope that at least one of them is dedicated to helping deaf children live a more comfortable life.

Elvis has left the full-back stranded.